Thirty-Seven Shades of Pink

I’m one of the gazillion women who were pulled into E. L. James’ Fifty Shades Trilogy. And I mean pulled, as in I’ve never been more grateful that you can download a book at 2 a.m.

But I’ve also heard that men are reading it to see what the fuss is. Many say they’re more confused than ever about what women really want.

So guys, in the spirit of helping out couples around the world, I’ll let you in on a Dom/Sub fantasy many women secretly dream about:

He undresses her, slowly, adoring every inch of her body, telling her how beautiful, firm and sexy she is. How he loves the red dents where her jeans pinched into her muffin top. How the cellulite on her ass turns him on.

He leads her to the bed, then ties her down. Not too tight, but to show he’s in control. Next he blindfolds her, whispering, “You must trust me.”

She nods, too nervous to speak. From there, he puts on music, something dark but soothing, perhaps Chopin’s Nocturnes. The next thing she knows, she feels a strap of leather gently gliding over her body.

In a dark voice, he says, “You will do what I say, or I will punish you with this.”

Her breath catches.

“You will lie here while I make long, passionate love to you. You’re not to make any effort. Just take the pleasure I give you. Then I’ll untie you, but you will not get off this bed. You must stay and take a nap while I take the kids to the grocery store. If you get up, I’ll know, and I will punish you.”

She nods again, her pulse racing.

“After that, I’ll bring you a glass of wine, but you must stay in this room. I’ll put on the first season of “Downton Abby,” and you have to watch all the episodes. The kids and I will clean the house. If you get up and try to help, I’ll tan your hide.”

His breath caresses her ear, and in a low, sexy voice, he asks, “Do you understand?”

Her voice shakes, “Hell, yes! . . . I mean, yes, Master.”